Sleeqb7's Nonsense

2011-11-25T22:58:00.000+10:00

Old habits, joining with new ones.
I haven't ground my teeth for the most part of a decade, I'm nineteen years old and I can say without a doubt that this is not a good start.
I haven't hurt myself in about five years, then I did the other day.
This new element, it's pushing me.
What is it about this one thing, it has brought back all these triggers, it has caused me to want to change myself in ways I have never considered.

I thought I was past all this, the need to be accepted, the stress, the constant dysphoria.
It's getting too much.
I can't hurt myself again, I can't go back there, it took me years to get out of it. Years.
Relapsing is tricky.

What is it about this? WHY HAVE I GOT TO DO THIS?
I'm confused, I can't stop this.
Every technique I have spent the last 2 years working on aren't helping, I can't relax, I can't get rid of this stress, I have been chain smoking more than I ever have before, I can't even envision myself quitting again.
Cut on my shoulder, bruises on my chest and neck, all this I crave for more.
New elements, mixing things up, change.
This has been too much, too quickly. Out of nowhere I find myself feeling the way I haven't in years.
I'm reminded of my cure, my reason for being years ago. The small things amplified, before it all changed, before I changed it.

Is this why I'm being this way?
I had my cure, I was fixing myself, but I was doing it through ruining that which I needed to get better.
This must be why I am fucking myself up again, my cure was ruined by me through change, now I'm doing anything I can to get a hold of it again, unable to function without, the downward spiral was just made worse.
Developing alcoholism, nicotine being my new lord and master, I need something to replace them with, to stop the spiral. This is why I'm reverting, but I can't go back. I need a definite, one way or the other. I need to be able to fix this, if I can't get help, I need to do it by myself, the current state of unknowing is taking it's toll. It's already too much, and it's only been a few hours.

Everything was bliss less than a day ago, I could take on the world, like I used to.
My cure, my drug, my help, I either need it, or I need to work it out myself.
The latter will be leaving everything I can, cutting myself off.
The former I can't get an answer about yet.
Leaving me where I am, grinding my teeth and trying my hardest not to drive a knife through my leg as a way to distract myself. Circumstances dictate the knife isn't a viable option yet.

Television doesn't help. Fuck television.

TMI?

2011-10-19T13:29:00.000+10:00

As we're all aware, information is easy to come by these days.
The internet's constant expansion and has resulted in basically unlimited information that almost anybody can acquire. But is this a good thing?
I'll need you to bare with me, as I'm going to be a while before I get to my point.

One example is medicine. If something is wrong with you, you might go to a doctor, but a lot of people will instead go to the internet.
"Well, I have these symptoms, so I must have this disease."
The only issue with that is, you're probably wrong.
There has been a noticeable increase in hypochondria in recent years, and it's largely due to this infinite information pool that we have access to on a daily basis.
If I were to Google all 'symptoms' I have currently, I would have the following;
RSI
Bipolar disorder
Depression
Tinnitus
Fungal infections
And probably much more if I thought about it.
In the past, I too have been victim to this 'The Internet is a Doctor' syndrome, and have self-diagnosed myself with an STD or two.
After much confusion and problems with my partner, I eventually went to a doctor to find out it was an issue with ingrown hairs and a poor diet.

When I was younger, if I was ill, my mother would take me to the doctor right away.
These days, I'll research my symptoms and determine for myself whether or not I'm in any real danger before even considering a doctor.
It makes me wonder how often people doing just as I do have their symptoms worsen, resulting in permanent injury or worse. But hey, if I wanted to know that, I could just Google it, couldn't I?

It's more than jut about medicine though, consider the social implications of this much information.
Learn someone's full name and there is a good chance you'll be able to find them on a social networking site. Get an email address as well and you've got a one-way ticket to all information you could ever want on them.
With that information, you can very easily get yourself logged on to their Facebook account (Technically not illegal, although still not cool) using a system that Facebook creators implemented for password retrieval.
Not to mention websites that allow you to enter an email address and then search social networking sites, blogging sites and misc other sites (Like Deviant Art, Etsy, etc) for public accounts with that address, then links you to their pages/accounts.
Wanted to know more about someone? Their secrets? Their past? It's entirely possible to find that out with very little effort.
I, for one, don't want some of the things I've said on the internet available.
Yes, there are privacy settings for a reason, but not all are as secure as you think.

The point I'm getting it is this;
Would we be better off without this information?
No.
Should there be limitations on the amount of information any one person can get?
No.
It has become part of our daily lives and it would make life slightly harder for us.
But we, as a society, need to stop taking things at face value.
That's what the internet has done to humanity, made us too accepting of new information.
Maybe those symptoms are unrelated to an illness?
Maybe the person said those things out of anger?
Maybe the trip to the shoe store will allow you to find something better?
Anyone can put information on the internet. For what you know, it's wrong.
This blog is a perfect example of that. How do you know I'm right?

In retrospect, I didn't think this post through as much as I should have. I mean, how do we know the experts are correct either? People make mistakes.
Disregard this post, as it lacks direction and a decent writing style.
I promise whatever I post next will have some actual quality to it.

Drunk blogging

2011-10-09T03:10:00.000+10:00

So, let's take a moment and think about the past again.
I know it's kind of a favourite topic of mine, but let's face it, a man's gotta focus on something when he is depressed and drinking half the time due to RECENT events.

Social conditioning.
Kind of a broad topic, yeah? Yeah.
It comes in many different forms.
One example is when people discover their true sexuality. I have some friends of mine who grew up thinking they were straight. Mid teens, they realised they were homosexual. The weird part came next. They developed the cliché 'gay lisp' as demonstrated in popular culture.
Neither of them liked the lisp, nor did they attempt to emulate it, but both of them seemed to develop it as they explored their sexuality.
I'm not saying it happens to all gay men, but it's nevertheless startling when such a thing comes out of nowhere.

Another example is more localised, for example;
A teenager is in a relationship through their teenage years.
Prior to said relationship, they have depression, their partner brought them out of it. Post relationship, let's say, late teens, they re-develop said depression and don't feel comfortable unless they are in a relationship.
They need the attention, they can't function without it.

"You need to be happy being along before you'll be happy in a relationship"
That sentiment is complete bullshit for some.
But the aforementioned localised conditioning about the relationship has caused the person to basically only know how to socially function in a relationship. Their emotional and social development was focused around "Hey now, I'm in a relationship, this is tops." so they have a hard time adjusting to single life, typically finding a new relationship as soon as possible.
Again, I'm not saying this is all people who went through something like this, some are stronger and more adaptive than others, but to those who it does happen to, it's unfortunate.

The reason this is titled 'Drunk blogging' is because I'm blind drunk right now. The amount of spelling errors I've had to correct are endless.
Since I've been single again (less than two months) after a 12 month relationship, I've been drinking a lot. I used to drink once, maybe twice in a 2 month period, since then, I've been drunk every second day.

There is no conclusion nor point to this post, except maybe this;
If you're starting a relationship in highschool, get some perspective before it ends, otherwise you'll have a hard time adjusting.
Signing off now, I plan to continue drikning and wallowing in my own self pity.
It's also 3am.

Goodnight readers.

The Problem with Facebook, as I see it.

2011-10-06T13:28:00.001+10:00

Not so long ago, you were an unsocial cretin if you stayed at home and spent all your time on the internet.
You were socially impaired and intellectually advanced. Well, within reason.
Nowadays, one has no ability to be social without spending a decent amount of time on the internet.
I'll send texts, I'll make phonecalls and I won't ever get a response. If I leave someone a wall post on Facebook, I'll get a response within the hour. If not from the person, then from someone else who knows what they are doing at what times.
For those of us with addictive personalities, this is not a good thing.
I can have a major assignment that I desperately need to complete before the end of the day, and instead of doing it, I will spend 70% of my time at the computer staring at the Facebook news feed.
So what is the next step? To stop using Facebook.
But it's not that simple, is it?
Facebook is not only the only way I can contact most people I talk to, but it's also become our calendar and our open channel of news.
Without going on Facebook, I wouldn't know about Steve Job's death.
(Which, as an outspoken gamer and Windows supporter, I still respected Jobs and everything he and his company has accomplished)
Not only that, I wouldn't know that my friend crashed her car the other day, I wouldn't know about my friend's crumbling relationship, nor about another friend's started one.
But who cares about that, right?
Sadly, we have to.
If I were to see this person at TAFE, at their work, something like that, something of social importance like that would come up. At which point, my lack of knowledge about such an event would become evident, and the "Well, I posted it on Facebook." would arise.

It wasn't that long ago that heavy internet use branded someone as a nerd.
Now, you're not social unless you're doing it too.
I have experienced this many times first hand, a friend of mine doesn't attend a party or gathering I host, at which point I inform them that they would have known about it were they on Facebook.

So for someone like me, with this addictive personality of mine, what option do I have but to remain on the site?
I'm a social creature, I'll miss out on social occasions, nobody will ever be able to get ahold of me and nobody will be able to critique my thoughts or jokes.
I wish we, as a society, would go back about five years. It's not long ago, but it's just long enough for people to respond to text messages again.

Please excuse the long rant that everyone has heard a dozen times before, but sadly, I'm really behind on assignments and am forcing myself away from Facebook, so I had to find a new way to procrastinate.

EDIT:
I forgot to add, and now can no longer find the article I'm referencing here, but it's also been theorised (Or was it proven?.. I need to find that article) that the intake of new information from any source (Newspaper, the news, a non-fiction book or, in this case, Facebook) releases a chemical in the brain that causes pleasure.
Was it serotonin? I don't remember...
But that is a more scientific reason as to why Facebook is addictive, instead of just ramblings.

Rose tinted glasses

2011-09-17T11:16:00.000+10:00

You kind of need to think sometimes, when I reminisce about something, how much fun was it, *really*?

Nostalgia can be a wonderful thing, you can sit and think of old times for hours, talk about it with old friends for days, or focus on it for years.
But was it really all that good?
Just how much does nostalgia block out the bad?

I'm a nostalgic guy, I love talking about times gone by and sit and think about how things used to be. But just this morning, I was looking through old pictures and I saw a photo of my friends.
At a friends birthday party.
That I wasn't invited to.
It reminded me 'Hold on, I was depressed through most of highschool, wasn't I?'. I couldn't think why I would so often look back on those days as fondly as I do, I couldn't stand them. There was one up point in my schooling, which was getting a girlfriend, but to a 14-17 year old, what more could you want? Hah!

Being fond of nostalgia basically comes down to experience.
We don't pass judgement on something without comparing it to something else.
For example, in highschool, you may have bought an album and loved it to bits because compared to the other albums you had bought, it was amazing.
You would then look fondly back on to the songs from that album and remember get the sense of joy you originally had, even though nowadays you wouldn't have touched the band with a ten-foot-pole.

So is nostalgia a good thing or a bad thing? Should we be fighting to remember the truth in it's actual context instead of our own thoughts?
On one hand, nostalgia can give you a sense of comfort, and there is nothing like catching up with friends and talking about the 'good old days'.
Or should we think about everything from our past not in the context in which it happened, but rather the context of us as we are now?
It would give us a better sense of perspective if we ignored the context of the past, we wouldn't spend our time thinking back and saying "I remember when things were better...", but on the other hand, how much of those warm memories are the reason to push you forward? "It was good back then, it will get better again."

It's down to personal choice, really.

Technically speaking...

2011-09-16T13:25:00.000+10:00

It's really hard to alter a blog's layout when there are no posts in it.
Yeah, I know, that's surprising.

So let me christen this new blog by saying the old one got deleted for a few reasons;
People I knew started finding it
It was all whiney, complaining sulking
And it had a lot of things in it I didn't *really* want people to see.
I didn't think that at the time, but you know, hindsight, etc.

So, the basics, I'm studying a Diploma of Screen and Media in Brisbane (QLD, Australia), which is a film course that covers the following; (using non-technical terms)
Writing
Directing
Camera work
Sound work
Editing
Special effects
Titles
Screen art
Matte painting
As well as giving practical experience such as shooting things for the educational institute themselves.
It's pretty in depth.

After completion of this course, I'm starting a Bachelors of Games Design and Interactive entertainment, which I will do for about 1 semester, then change to something I'd actually be able to get a job in.
Well, I might not, it depends how much I find I enjoy it.
Although I'd like to do teaching...
But all that I don't need to worry about until the end of 2012.
"Hold on, the end of 2012? But Anthony, we'll all be dead by then!"
It's not very likely. I'd love to say 'impossible', but you never know what could happen.
Nuclear war, disease outbreak (I've got my fingers crossed for zombies!), and so on and so fourth.
I actually wrote a short (Very short) essay on the concept, but I lost it (And a lot of other things) in the great hard drive fuck-up of 2011.
I lost quite a lot, now that I think about it. Things I really liked.

I do that though, I find something that I really like, and I'll find a way to lose it or break it or mess it up somehow.
This isn't self-depreciating talk, it's theory based off empirical evidence.
Games, DVDs, files, phones, assignments, friendships, etc.
Interestingly, the same can't be said for romantic relationships.
My first girlfriend ended it for the reason that... Ok, she said she doesn't know why.
My recent girlfriend needed a complete fresh start.
So, based off the two incidents so far, I can deduce that I *might* not be a jerk as a partner.
We can only hope eh'?

Quick sidenote;
Have you played Dead Island yet?
It's a new game released by Techland (The makers of the Call of Juarez series) in which you're on a holiday resort island when there is a zombie outbreak. Queue guns and course language, right? Wrong. This game takes a *very* different approach when it comes to zombies.
They went for realism.
It takes a long time before you find a gun, and when you've found said gun, some guy gave it to you and it only has one bullet.
Eventually you will make it to a town, away from the resort, where thugs have taken over certain areas, *they* have guns.
More on the realism angle, your early weapons involve kitchen knives, boat paddles, metal pipes and even at hatstand. It makes you feel as though you're actually in the middle of an outbreak, fighting to survive and trying to help the few people you can.
The combat is amazing, the music is awesome, the voice acting is.. Not great. But everything else is amazing.
If you haven't already bought it, go and do that, it will be the best $50 you have ever spent, especially given the singleplayer alone has well over 30 hours worth of gameplay in it, and a lot of fun co-op mode!

Ok, that wasn't a "quick" sidenote, as such...

If you're at all interested in the possible future of computing, have a look at this;
http://www.buildwindows.com/
Windows 8 has a lot more information out now, definitely worth a look.
Also, you can now find copies of the Developers release of W8, so if you want an early sneak peak, have a look around.

That's it for now, I'll bother you all later.
Toodles ,3